In New York City, there's a fine line between law and chaos.
On that line live Danson and Highsmith.
Tell me again why I decided to get on this roof!
I think you can chalk that up to bad life choices.
Get rid of that asshole.
- Uh-oh! - I hate it when you say "uh-oh"!
Dude, you put a ding in my hood!
Come on with it, then!
Whoa, hey!
That's trouble.
Did someone call Nine-One-holy-shit?
That's it. I'm sick of all this running.
Hang on!
You have the right to remain silent!
But I wanna hear you scream!
Down on the ground!
Detective! Yeah, yeah! Detective!
One at a time, all right?
Yeah, Detectives, Rick Grayson, New York Observer Online.
These suspects were caught with only a quarter pound of marijuana,
a misdemeanor in some states.
Do you think this arrest was worth $12 million in property damages?
Why don't we let New York City answer that question?
The greatest city on Earth, yeah!
Hi, Sarah Gapone from TMZ print edition.
Danson, are the rumors about you and Kim Kardashian true?
No comment.
But, yes.
Danson and Highsmith, free hot dogs for life!
No drinks. No drinks. I can't do it. I can't do it.
Danson and Highsmith shoot, drive, and sex with style. They're rock stars.
Then you got your jokers, your ball busters, your vets...
...and the other guys.
We know, we know. We know.
All right, all right, all right. Listen up, listen up!
We're having a celebration tonight at Butter.
Brody Jenner's gonna be there. Bai Ling.
- That little short bitch from Jersey Shore. - Yeah!
And most of you are on the list.
You're the best.
Guys, I'm gonna say something right now.
It's about a man who came from Austria with a dream.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger! - Let me finish.
He became a champion and then a movie star, all right?
- Arnold Schwarzenegger! - God damn it, let me...
They ruined the story. They ruined the story.
Let... What... The point is,
we couldn't do our job if it weren't for you guys doing all the paperwork,
answering the phones, and all that stupid shit that we don't like to do.
All the gun fights, all the car chases,
all the sex we don't wanna have with women, but we have to,
all due to what you guys do. Thank you.
And we'd do it again and again.
Hey, you shut your face!
If we wanna hear you talk,
I will shove my arm up your ass and work your mouth like a puppet!
You hear me? You hear me?
- Cash bar. - Yeah.
Peace out, bitches.
Hey, fellas. All right, bring it in.
Come on. Bring it in a little bit.
All right, right there.
Just back up, just like right there.
All right, just one... Just a...
There you go, right there. Right there.
This is their paperwork. You know they're not gonna do it.
That's right. This paperwork is like Bob's wife here.
It's thick, ugly, got Danson's fingerprints all over it.
- No offense, Bob. - That's all right.
- Anyway, now who wants it? - I do!
All right! Paper Bitch and Yankee Clipper on the case!
- Nice work. Thanks, Allen. - Thank you, Captain.
"I'll do it! I'll do it!"
Stop humming that song!
- I can hum if I want to. - No, I know you can.
I'm asking you to stop.
- Well, if you're asking, then I'll stop. - Thank you.
Could you not smile like that?
Now you're asking me to mask my emotions
because of how it makes you feel.
That I will not do.
Seriously, stop humming! Okay?
This isn't accounting or wherever the hell
you and your little pocket calculator were transferred from.
Forensic accounting, okay. And it's an important part of the job.
Yeah, whatever. Stop being so overtly happy about doing shit work, you moron.
Hey, guys. Reminder.
The police union picnic's coming up this weekend.
My wife's making her famous deviled eggs, again. My waistline's furious.
It's a bad time, Bob!
All right.
Going to get a slice.
You know what I just did?
I just walked out that door, saw a couple detectives,
and I was about to start bad mouthing you behind your back,
but I stopped myself, because my pops taught me
that a man who talks behind somebody's back is a coward.
Wow, I actually appreciate that.
Good, 'cause I'm gonna tell you directly to your face.
- No. You don't have to. - No, I don't like you.
I think you're a fake cop.
The sound of your piss hitting the urinal? It sounds feminine.
If we were in the wild, I would attack you.
Even if you weren't in my food chain, I would go out of my way to attack you.
If I were a lion, and you were a tuna,
I would swim out in the middle of the ocean and freaking eat you!
And then I'd bang your tuna girlfriend.
Okay, first off, a lion swimming in the ocean?
Lions don't like water.
If you'd placed it near a river or some sort of fresh water source,
that'd make sense.
But you find yourself in the ocean, 20-foot waves,
I'm assuming it's off the coast of South Africa,
coming up against a full-grown, 800-pound tuna
with his 20 or 30 friends?
You lose that battle.
You lose that battle nine times out of ten. And guess what?
You've wandered into our school of tuna,
and we now have a taste of lion.
We've talked to ourselves. We've communicated.
- Yeah? - And said, "You know what?
Lion tastes good. Let's go get some more lion".
We've developed a system to establish a beachhead
and aggressively hunt you and your family.
And we will corner your pride,
- your children, your offspring. - How you gonna do that?
We will construct a series of breathing apparatus with kelp.
We will be able to trap certain amounts of oxygen.
It's not gonna be days at a time, but an hour, hour 45, no problem.
That will give us enough time to figure out where you live,
go back to the sea, get more oxygen, and then stalk you.
You just lost at your own game. You're outgunned and outmanned.
Did that go the way you thought it was gonna go?
Nope.
Two minutes before the markets open,
Pamela Boardman, CEO of Lendl Global, ringing the opening bell.
With Boardman is investment banker, David Ershon,
who manages 40% of Lendl's $70-billion equity pool.
How much did we lose?
You may ring the bell now, Ms. Boardman.
- $32. - Million?
No, billion.
Shit!
Chinatown. Three Triad gang members. I popped two of them off the draw.
- Bang, bang. - Yeah.
Then I raise up to take the leader out.
Shit, I feel like I'm there now.
I hear a whistle. My partner's on the roof.
He says, "Let's even the odds"!
He tosses me down a Mossberg pump. I send one through his chest.
Game over, bitches.
- All right. - Yeah.
Jimmy? Let's talk about how that story made you feel.
Like my cock was made out of concrete.
I know it's very tempting.
You want to impress your friends.
But this is serious stuff we're dealing with, okay?
This is firing your weapon in the line of duty.
Officer Hoitz?
Oh, man.
- Come on! - Here we go.
Would you like to share?
No, I'd rather not.
Officer Hoitz, you've been coming here for six months now,
and you haven't said a word.
This is a safe room, no judgment here.
Jerkoff.
That's judgment, Jimmy. Come on.
I relive it every night.
Bronx, October.
Game 7 of the World Series.
For all the marbles. High pressure, unruly crowd, and I pulled tunnel duty.
I mean, I saw a shadowy figure in the tunnel. I told him to stop.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, this is a restricted area!
Finally pulled my gun.
Pulled a deadly weapon. He started running at me.
Don't make me shoot! I'll do it!
Are you deaf? You hear me yell, "Freeze"?
You dick! I'm Derek Jeter! You shot me!
- You cost me 20 grand on that game! - Douche bag.
Cost the city a championship.
I was being groomed for a top position in homicide.
Now I'm stuck with a desk jockey partner.
Everybody calls me the Yankee Clipper.
Because you shot Derek Jeter!
He's a biracial angel.
You should've shot A-Rod.
Yo, Paper Bitch.
- What's up, man? - Hey. Hey, guys.
- Paper Bitch. - Paper Bitch.
I don't like that, actually.
I know you guys think it's fun, but I don't like that name.
Still working on the Danson and Highsmith paperwork?
- Shit. - No, actually, actually, that's...
What is this? That looks stupid.
- Guys, it's illegal permitting for construction. - Wow!
Specifically, scaffolding.
Some of the guys were talking.
They were like,
"How come you've never fired your weapon in the office before?"
Good point.
I'm sorry, I don't follow.
You've never fired your weapon in the office.
We all have, you know. It's called a desk pop.
Fellas, look, I know you don't respect me as a police officer.
- Not true. - I'm not stupid.
I'm not gonna discharge my firearm in the office.
Gamble, listen to me. I'll try to make it real clear.
We honor the flag, and you crap on it
when you don't shoot your gun in the office.
Jimmy. When's the last time you had a desk pop?
September '08.
- Be a man. Do it. - Now.
- Please, please, do it. - Pop one off!
- There you go. Pop it off! - Don't think, just go!
- Here we go. - Do it, yes.
He did it!
Hey! Shots fired!
Hey, Terry, I did it! I did my first desk pop!
It's a real thing, right?
- A desk pop? - Yeah.
No, that's not real!
They were so convincing in their argument, they swung me.
All right, Allen, you're gonna have to hand over your gun.
Yes, sir.
Captain, you really wanna disarm this guy,
take out the batteries in the calculator.
All right, I'm gonna give you this.
This is a dummy gun. I use it for ceremony.
There.
You get this back when I feel you know how to handle it.
Listen, guys. I'm working two jobs. I'm working here.
And I got another job at Bed Bath and Beyond. Okay?
I'm doing that just to put a kid through NYU
so he can explore his bisexuality and become a deejay.
Now the last thing I need is a ballistics report in the unit.
I'm just gonna ask you guys, please, come on, really.
Just think about... Just be smart.
211 in progress.
They're using a wrecking ball to clean out Castien Jewelry.
All right, we got it.
- Good luck, guys. Have a good one. - Allen, let's go.
- No, I got work to do. - What? This is work!
Hey, yo! Danson and Highsmith. We roll in heavy.
You cream puffs, sit tight.
You gotta be shitting me!
You can't keep me cooped up in here, okay?
I am a peacock! You gotta let me fly!
Did he just... Did he just call himself a peacock?
Let's go! Let's go!
Come on, fellas!
Wednesday night is taco night at Rikers Island!
That's the second one this week!
Hey, you monkeys! Stop!
Let's go!
Yeah!
Heads up!
Shit.
Special Forces zipline.
Cut that line! Cut it! Let's go!
- These guys are pros. - Let's go!
You thinking what I'm thinking, partner?
Aim for the bushes.
Cops still argue to this day why Danson and Highsmith jumped.
Maybe it was just pride, having survived so many brushes with death.
Maybe their egos pushed them off.
I don't know. But that shit was crazy.
Either way, there was a hole in New York City,
and it needed to be filled.
Two days ago, this city wept.
We lost two heroes who gave everything for us,
who paid that ultimate sacrifice
so that we may walk these streets safely.
There wasn't even an awning in their direction.
- No, I know. - They just jumped 20 stories.
Doesn't make sense, does it?
I only hope God lets them take their .357s with them to heaven...
It's our moment, Allen. Our moment to step up and be the guys.
- We're at a funeral. Show some respect. - What?
You don't think every other detective here isn't thinking the same thing?
Allen, listen to me. Danson and Highsmith are gone.
Their desks are empty. Someone has to fill those seats.
That someone is us, okay? The city's dying for a hero.
- Is it? - Yeah.
What about nine million
socially-conscious and unified citizens,
all just stepping up and doing their part?
As a little kid, didn't you dress up and play cops and robbers?
I'll tell you what I did as a little kid.
I went to school and made my bed.
And at age 11, I audited my parents.
And believe me, there were some discrepancies, and I was grounded.
What the hell are you?
Well, well, well. What do we got here?
Look at these two jamokes, would you?
One shot Jeter and the other shot an office.
Have some decorum. We're at a funeral.
You wanna dance, brolio?
I will rock your body with big, nasty hooks.
You'll be pissing blood out of your ass.
That's horrible.
Why don't you step back, man?
You touch him, I swear to God
I'm gonna beat the shit out of you with Allen's head.
He's not gonna do that. That's hyperbole. But that's a weird example.
- You wanna go? - I wanna go!
- Get him off. - Kick his ass, Martin.
Yeah. How do you like that?
- Pull his hair! - I love it.
This hurts so good.
- Very sorry for your loss, ma'am. - What a lovely hat.
I love your shoes.
- It's fine, it's fine. - Go, go.
Punish him!
Oh, man.
Do it. That's how we do it in the hood.
- Punish him. - That's not even a move.
I'm the winner. I'm the winner, everybody saw it.
What the hell is going on here?
Two good men are dead,
and you guys are fighting over who's gonna be the next hotshot?
Is that what's happening?
Yes, that's exactly what's happening.
Let me tell you something.
- Sorry for your loss, Lorraine. - Very sorry.
- Sorry, Lorraine. - Sorry, Lorraine.
Hi, I'm Jimmy.
- Too soon? - Why'd you say that?
I'll tell you something about those guys.
They knew that to become a good cop, you had to solve cases. Okay?
Okay, and maybe you start with the Castien robbery.
Okay? So just watch it.
Next time, me, you, library.
- Not even close. - Come on, guys. Guys, come on.
- You are... - I'm the winner!
I didn't need you to stick up for me, okay? I could've handled that myself.
Hey, don't flatter yourself.
It's the partner's code. I had no choice.
Move.
- 9:15, let's have a great day, everybody! - Cut the shit!
Good morning.
We've got shots fired. 509 East 10th Street.
There are large amounts of cocaine on the scene.
Try to stay out of trouble, boys.
There's no chance you'd wanna go on that call, right?
No chance. Too busy.
All right, ladies. Starting to get the picture?
We're about to lock shit down.
- That's right. - You girls stay here and get your type on.
Go get them, guys. Lot of energy, lot of focus.
Shut up!
Allen, could I see you in the hallway for a second?
I... I'm super busy right now, Terry.
No, no, no, I know. This'll be real quick.
It's about the construction permits you were talking about.
- The scaffolding violations? - This is our thing, yeah.
So, what do you got?
I got this! I'll put one right in your neck.
What are you doing?
Let's go. We're going to that call.
- What is this? - Shut up.
We're going to the car, and we're going after this case.
- You're not gonna shoot me. - I won't?
- No. - I shot Jeter.
- That was an accident. - Was it?
- Now move. - Okay.
Hey.
Does anybody see this? He's got a gun on me.
I'm being kidnapped.
Really, we're in a police station and no one is interested in this?
- So, then what happened? - What do you think happened?
I woke up, I took the belt off my neck,
and I got in my car, and I got out of there.
Talk about a wild weekend, right?
I thought I was gonna have to shoot my way out.
What are you gonna do, though, you know? Bar mitzvahs.
What the hell is this?
It's my car. It's a Prius.
I feel like we're literally driving around in a vagina.
Detective Hoitz and Gamble are on that 518 on East 10th.
Negatory, Martin and Fosse, two minutes out.
We'll just see who's there first.
You stay out of our crime scene! You hear me?
Go, go, go!
You feel that, Allen? That tingling in your balls?
Big metal butterflies fluttering around in your stomach?
Are you sure you don't have testicular cancer?
I got something to get you going.
Let's go do some damage!
Nope.
What the hell is that?
LRB. Little River Band.
This music makes me feel like I'm going shopping for a training bra.
You know what? We go with no music, okay?
- Fine. - Say bye.
No, no, no, don't say bye...
You just signed your own death warrant, Hoitz!
Allen, punch that accelerator or I will shoot you in the foot!
America!
Allen! Allen, hit the brake!
Seriously, slow the car down! We're approaching the crime scene!
Terry, I'm coming in.
You're gonna smash right through the tape! Allen!
Dude! What...
That's a lot of cocaine.
Did you yell "America" when you hit the accelerator?
Nope. No. No.
I've never actually put my foot all the way down
to the ground with the accelerator like that.
It got me slightly aroused.
Here we go.
Way to put your stamp on the crime scene, guys.
- Prius, huh? - Yep, yep.
Good mileage?
- Outstanding. - Yeah.
Did this come with a dental dam?
- No. - Get it?
My Suburban shit one of these last night.
I didn't know they put tampons on wheels.
We've had our fun, huh?
Looks like Scarface sneezed on your car.
All right, everybody!
I'm gonna need you all to back up now. We're taking over.
"At the crime scene, LOL."
- Good tweet, good tweet. - Yeah, thanks.
America has always been defined by its excess.
The Grand Canyon, professional sports contracts.
Wendy's Baconator, extra bacon.
I myself have 18 Lamborghinis
and a Subaru station wagon.
And it's because of this excess that I have flourished.
I implore you, please, do not stop profiting.
Live for excess. It's the American way.
Hello.
Mr. Ershon? I believe this call's for you.
Sir David.
David. You're not returning my calls, so I'd like you to meet Roger Wesley.
- G'day, mate. - Hey.
Roger and his team are gonna babysit you because I don't trust you,
because I think you're going to take off.
Pamela, this is ridiculous. I'm not going anywhere.
David, listen, the Lendl quarterlies come out on the 26th.
You have until then to give me my money.
I'm not reporting any losses, David.
I have zeroed in on a new investor.
Well, then, you get their money, make it disappear,
and then pay us back.
Yes, yes, I'll tell him he doesn't need to keep watching me.
- David! - Okay, sweetheart, bye-bye.
Yeah. She overreacted. She's a woman. So, you're good to go.
Heard everything, mate.
Ladies and gentlemen,
guess who gave me the secrets to making my first billion dollars.
That man there.
Go! Go!
- Side! - Step aside, please.
You don't think I'm a real cop, do you?
No, I don't. I've said that directly to your face numerous times.
I was really honest about that.
I'm working on a huge case, all right?
Property owner with seven buildings under construction.
He hasn't applied for a single scaffolding permit.
Now, according to Ask Jeeves,
this perp is at the Plaza Hotel speaking right now.
- That's your big case? Scaffolding permits? - Yeah.
Guess what? You're coming with me.
It's a wooden gun.
That hurts, man!
I've always got Little River Band loaded up here.
I've got six disks in here.
Claude, meet me outside, at the back of the service entrance.
I'm flying Air Singapore.
- Hey, Douglas. How's the wife? - She died.
Attaboy!
I'll be there in two minutes exactly.
Another thing I hate about you? You always pay in exact change.
You're just mad because I have a nice change purse.
Why do you even care?
How can I help it? You know what? You know what's worse?
The way you fart. Even your farts, they're not manly.
You're being ridiculous.
They sound like a baby blowing out the candles on a birthday cake.
- What? - Like a little...
- You know what bugs me about you? - What?
I'm pretty sure you've never voted.
No, I vote. Sports radio, AM 880. Play of the week.
You're like a child in a leather jacket. That's what you're like.
Get out of the way, man!
Wait. Are you David Ershon?
Yeah, well, it's Sir David Ershon, but I don't bother with the...
Anyway, in little bit of a rush, gentlemen,
if you don't mind. Thank you.
- Excuse me, but you're under arrest, okay? - What?
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you do or say can be used...
- What's the next part? - As a floatation device.
As a floatation device.
You know what? That's very funny. I have never Miranda-ed anyone before.
- Really? - Are you guys for real?
Am I being punk'd?
Detective Allen Gamble.
We are in a cocaine-covered car, and we are bringing in a perp.
- One David Ershon. - 175 pounds.
- Thank you. 175 pounds. - Shut up, man, shut up!
Martin and Fosse are probably on Studio B
talking to Shepard Smith right now.
We arrest this jerkoff for a scaffolding permit?
Wait, wait, wait, what am I being arrested for?
For scaffolding permit violation...
- I got my insurance card. Somewhere. - Easy, mate.
- What the hell? You ran right into us! - Stand over there.
Wood?
What the...
- Couldn't see the car. It's big enough, mate. - What?
Do not let these men take me.
Hi.
Why's she looking at you like that?
That's my car!
Hey, hey, hey! We didn't exchange insurance information!
Hey! Excuse me!
Why did they take our shoes?
- What the hell just happened? - Where's my iPhone?
I think we've walked 30 blocks, man.
I don't get why we can't just call the office
and have a squad car come pick us up.
No. They took our shoes, our guns, and our car.
There's no way that's going out on the radio.
Look, if we're gonna do this together,
there's some issues we need to settle, okay?
I mean, you said I had a weak chin. You said the way I pee is feminine.
How do you think that makes me feel?
I mean, that list you have, you put a lot of thought in. It's weird.
I hear you.
Let's clean the slate right now. Fresh start.
All right. Fresh start.
Maybe we should call ourselves the Febreze Brothers,
'cause it's feeling so fresh right now.
Right?
Let's do another fresh start, 'cause I just wanted to punch you in the face.
Fine, fresh start.
It's the last one.
I have to be able to express myself and say things, you know.
- Okay, folks! Everybody, listen up! - Listen up!
Got a high profile kidnapping.
David Ershon, wealthy banker, multinational team.
Maybe a sleeper cell, but it's too early to tell.
Hey, Bilbo Baggins. Where are your shoes? 'Cause your feet are black.
Who cares? It's not important, okay?
Hoitz, Gamble, Captain. Not good.
- Bye, guys. - Bye-bye.
Come on.
Guys, this is Don Beaman, the attorney for Mr. Ershon.
Roger Wesley, head of his private security.
- Hey, how are you? You son of a bitch! - Hey, hey, hey!
Hey, Terry! Take it easy!
- That's the guy who took our guns, Captain. - And my shoes!
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Did you identify yourselves as police officers?
What is this?
- Allen, tell me. Did you? - No, we did not.
Sorry, gentlemen. We thought you were abducting Mr. Ershon.
It's only protocol.
Mr. Ershon has agreed to correct this scaffolding situation.
The case is closed.
I've taken care of all necessary paperwork.
And you fellas, at this point, should just be glad that
Mr. Ershon is not pressing charges for excessive use of force.
- Thank you, Captain. - You bet.
Australian?
Special Forces, right?
Best watch your step, Detective.
There are three things I love in this world.
Kylie Minogue,
small dimples just above a woman's buttocks...
Beautiful features.
...and the fear in a man's eye who knows I'm about to hurt him.
Hey! Shake your dicks. This pissing contest is over.
Come on, man.
All right, look, they returned your shoes.
And they returned your weapons. Here you go, Terry.
Allen, someone was nice enough to put linseed oil on it,
some kind of stain on that, dark walnut or something.
You might wanna think about dropping them a thank you note.
Okay.
You're mad at us, huh, Gene?
First off, don't call me Gene. I'm your captain.
Guys, do you remember the "Be Smart" speech?
- Sure. - All right.
Well, what did you do? What'd you do about it?
The opposite. We were not smart, Captain Gene.
It's just "Captain".
Just "Captain". It's not "Captain Gene".
I don't have a kiddie show.
That sounds creepy, "Captain Gene".
Police mistakenly arrest investment banker, David Ershon.
Was he the victim of financial profiling?
Financial profiling? That's crazy. He broke the law and we arrested him.
That wasn't a security team. He said, "Don't let these people take me".
I mean, when you hear hooves, you think horses, not zebras.
What about donkeys or deer?
They have hooves. What about bovine creatures?
Were you just thinking to yourself, "Fresh start"?
- Yeah. - Yeah. I could see it.
Listen, why don't we just go over to my place?
We'll talk the case down.
We can have a little dinner. You can meet Sheila.
Two cops talking down a case while eating food, all right?
- It's not dinner. - Fine.
And let me apologize in advance, okay,
in case my wife acts like a world-class bitch.
She's a big old broad, and she likes to wield it.
Okay, so I put together a little bio,
complete with pictures of Mr. David Ershon.
I used Adobe Premiere. I like to do a little weekend editing.
I recently just cut three minutes out of Goodfellas.
David Ershon is currently the CEO of Ershon Consortium.
Who's that talking?
It's the Frontline Narration App. It's only 99 cents.
Ershon Consortium, current financial investments exceed $70 billion.
His largest clients include Schering-Plough and Lendl Global.
Lendl Global has those TV ads where I can't figure out what they do.
Yeah, oil, media, health care, you've probably heard their jingle.
Lendl Global, we're in everything.
David Ershon is often found in the company of Judge Scalia...
- Yeah. - ...and the lead singer of Maroon 5.
I mean, this guy could be connected to drug cartels,
black market organ sales, human trafficking, all of it.
How do you get that from anything I just said?
Hey, guys! Soup's on.
What do you mean?
Hi.
- Hi. - You must be Terry.
I'm sorry I've been hiding, honey, but this dinner was tricky.
- Who are you? - I'm Dr. Sheila Gamble, his wife.
- Come on, seriously. Who is that? - His old lady.
- Sweetie, it's a workstation. - Got it.
And you come in here, dressed like a hobo, it's distracting.
I know you're working. I'm so sorry.
- Come on, seriously. - Come on, what?
Who is that?
That's the old... That's the old ball and chain.
Get over here.
- Not... Not right now. - Okay.
Look, they're not all first-round picks, okay?
Come on, are you gonna tell me who that is?
- Are you really Allen's wife? - I know.
People are shocked because he's Episcopalian and I'm Catholic,
but somehow it works.
- Are you gonna change? - I already did.
It's no big deal. You look really, really nice.
Terry, you don't have to be polite, okay? She looks kind of shitty.
Don't speak to her like that, Allen.
Look, if I put that in my Cosmo Fashion App, you'd probably get a D-.
Allen and his apps. He loves them.
You know he's designed three of his own?
One of them... Can I tell him?
One of them, you can take a picture of anybody's face,
and it'll tell you what the back of his head looks like.
- Faceback. - Faceback.
Got some horrible reviews coming out of the gate.
- It's gonna hit. - It's gonna catch.
Why are you with Allen?
I mean, that's not what I meant. I meant, how did you guys meet?
It's a really typical "how we met" story, Terry.
You're gonna be bored by it.
I was a dancer for the Knicks
while finishing my residency at Columbia Hospital.
Allen came into the ER with poison ivy on his rectum.
Yes.
Needless to say, I fell for him immediately.
We immediately spent the next three days at the La Quinta Inn,
- and, to be honest, we didn't speak. - Three days
of not communicating once verbally.
We had actually, without knowing it,
developed a language of eye flutters and non-verbal gestures.
You know, Terry, it was just this primal connection.
After those three days of non-verbal communication
and a whole lot of loving,
I had to go to a specialist to get my hips realigned.
Similar to operating on a German shepherd
- when they have hip dysplasia. - Very painful.
It's funny, it's like a scene from that one movie,
always forget the name of it.
- With Meg Ryan. - Yes.
I don't remember a movie where Meg Ryan meets a guy with poison ivy up his ass.
- I'll think of it. I'll think of it. - Okay.
So, what about you, Terry? Do you have a girl?
I did, yeah.
We were supposed to get married, but she backed out. It's complicated.
- Terry shot Derek Jeter. - Shut up, Allen. This was before.
That's okay.
She's Got Mail. That's the name of the movie.
That's it! Honey!
- With Tom Hanks? - Right.
- And Meg Ryan. - Meg Ryan.
He didn't have poison ivy up his ass.
- Yes, he did. - Yes, he did. Yeah.
Way up there.
Well, Terry, can't thank you enough for coming by. What a...
What a wonderful, lovely evening. Thank you.
It was so, so nice meeting you, Terry.
It was my pleasure. Thank you.
And remember, all I ask of you is, you don't let him get hurt, Terry.
- She tells me that every day before I leave. - Yep, I do.
I come downstairs and I make him his fresh-cut strawberries,
and I say, "Listen, my little sugar balls, whatever you do today,
you just don't get hurt".
Yeah. Every morning.
And then I show him my breasts, and I say, "These are waiting for you
- when you get back home". - Right.
You know, Terry, they're not the biggest breasts he's ever seen,
- but, man, are they perky. - Not by a long shot.
- And they are firm, and they are yours. - You're a nice lady.
Thank you for coming.
Detectives Hoitz and Gamble? Detectives Hoitz and Gamble? Over.
Go for Hoitz.
- We found your red Prius. - Great.
It was trying to vote for Ralph Nader.
- Come on. - Okay, sugar balls, listen up.
There's gonna be fingerprints on that car.
Tomorrow, we're gonna run those fingerprints through the system.
And if we get a hit, this case is gonna heat up faster than a junkie's spoon.
You do one thing when you wake up tomorrow, bring it.
- Okay. - Thank you, Sheila.
He'll bring it.
- Good night! - Good night.
Thank you, Sheila.
- Bye, Terry! - Bye, Sheila! I'll never forget tonight.
- Bye, Terry! - All right, Allen, whatever. Go inside.
Bye, Sheila!
- Night! - See you... See you, Terry!
Bye, Sheila.
I don't know if he heard me. Bye, Terry!
Bye, Sheila!
Well, here she is. They left her under an overpass for the night.
You find anything?
Yeah. We found a lot of stuff.
From bodily fluid and hair samples,
we determined that a bunch of old, homeless dudes had an orgy in the car.
- Oh, God. - Yeah.
You know what that's called when they do that in there?
That's called a soup kitchen.
It's pretty rough stuff.
Not long after that, a mama raccoon came along
and gave birth on the floor.
Placenta blew out all over the back window there.
Yeah, and then to top it all off, some joker comes along
takes himself a nifty little dump in the driver's seat.
I think he knew you guys were cops,
because this is what I would call a spite shit.
You were able to determine all of that
- from the hair and fluid samples? - Oh, yeah.
What about fingerprints? You find any fingerprints?
- Nope, couldn't get a one. - Found a cell phone.
Yeah, that's mine.
Any signs of a struggle or spent shells?
No. Believe me, everybody that was in on this orgy was more than willing.
In fact, they even left you a note here.
"Thanks for the F-shack. Love, Dirty Mike and the boys."
Here's something we found.
We found about a dozen unscratched lottery tickets.
No fingerprints or nothing. Check that out.
Yeah, it's a real shame, you know.
I got myself a Prius. It's a hell of a machine.
It's my first brand-new car. I've never owned a new car.
Found a deer vagina.
- What? - Thought it was human lips at first.
Then we took a closer look. It was definitely a deer vagina.
Not even a free ticket.
What are we gonna do?
We got no fingerprints, a bunch of losing lottery tickets.
Look at this, there's a two-minute phone call made after we were jumped.
- They used your phone? - They ghost dialed.
Someone probably sat on it.
It could have recorded some of their conversation when Ershon got grabbed.
We gotta hear the other side of that call.
Nope, no, it's nothing.
- Nothing? It's the only lead we have. - It's nothing. It's nothing.
Why did you just get super jumpy?
What?
It's an ex-girlfriend, okay?
What's the matter? What happened with you guys?
She was just a bit of a handful, that's it.
Allen, it's the only lead we have.
We either go with this or we walk away from this case right now.
Fine. Let's go see her.
Hello, Christinith.
Hello, Allen.
- That's my partner, Terry. - Hi, Telly.
- Holy shit. Dude. - Just relax, relax.
I waited for you in Tower Records for four hours.
That was 13 years ago.
Arnold Palmer alert. Arnold Palmer alert. Who wants some Arnie Palmies?
Sweetie, this one has the vodky, right here.
- Hal, just place it down, please. - All righty.
Okay.
I did things in bed with you that I haven't done with anyone since.
No.
Christinith, your husband...
- It's... It's awkward. - Oh, no, he knows all of this.
- You're a lucky dog. - It's true.
Christine, this is a lovely house.
It's Christinith. Are you stupid, or are you deaf?
Christinith, you idiot!
You come to our house, you get my wife's name right!
- What? - Christinith!
Look, we really appreciate the hospitality.
We'd just love to get the message off your cell phone.
We believe it might give us information regarding a kidnapping.
Okay.
Why don't you come to the kitchen, and I will let you listen to it
and everyone else stay here.
- Okay, sweetie. - Come on.
- There's my phone. - Great, thank you for...
I hate you, you son of a bitch!
- You're so strong. - I'm stronger than you will ever know!
I hate you! I hate you!
You're so adorable. Look at your face. Look at your face.
You go, "I wuv you". Say it. "I wuv you, Cwistinith."
You probably think because of the beard that I'm really hairy.
But I'm not.
Shaved.
- Allen! - He's fine.
Question.
What would you rather be,
a bear or a dog?
- I don't care. - I wanna be
a bear dog. Half dog, half bear.
'Cause that way, I could live in the house
but I still get to make a doodie out in the woods.
Allen!
Allen! Allen!
- This is police evidence. Terry! Let's go! - Hey!
You get back here and you make love to my wife!
Allen! Allen!
I don't get it, man. I just do not get it.
I mean, that girl Christinith was seriously hot.
Your wife is crazy hot.
I mean, even that Brazilian security chick, she threw you a "Do me" vibe.
What is it with you and hot ladies?
First off, my wife is cute, but she's not hot.
Dude, you're insane. Your wife is scalding hot.
- You wanna listen to this message or not? - Yeah, whatever.
You have one job, mate.
Find a sucker to invest with you
so you can pay my boss back the money you lost.
And I don't care who.
Right. I actually think I found a sucker...
- He's talking to Ershon. - ...to invest $32 billion.
Who's got $32 billion to rob?
Once I get the money, I'll falsify the records
to show their massive losses and then repay your employer.
Now, since you're following me, I need to go to 2300 Park Avenue,
and after that...
I told you it wasn't a security team.
- He was being abducted. - Obviously, but what kind... Holy...
Nobody leaves our house without making love to my wife!
- Is that him? - Yeah!
Oh, my God, they came out of nowhere!
- Holy shit! - They chased us 20 miles.
- You come back here! You get back here! - Allen!
2300 Park Avenue. It's the offices of the lottery.
Holy shit, the lottery tickets we found.
Ershon is using the lottery money to cover his losses.
$32 billion. That's the state's money.
Well, what do we tell Mauch? A guy lost some money.
We have a scratchy cell phone message and an address. It's still half a case.
There's gotta be some sort of paper trail.
If we can find that, if we can track it,
then we can go to Mauch.
So, I did some more research on Ershon's accounting firm,
and I found some pretty interesting stuff.
It turns out that Gretchel and Dawson has...
Hold on, I'm up.
I gave my love to Erin
She promised to be true
I went to war to come back
And find five British soldiers
Had their way with her
It was consensual
Done?
Gretchel and Dawson Accounting Firm in Fair Lawn, New Jersey
has only one client, David Ershon.
Pretty rinky-dink operation for a guy like that.
Looks like we're going to Jersey to visit an accounting firm.
That's a shitty day.
And all their fathers were hanged
And the children all got pink eye
While their Harry Potter books were burned
Do you have fun singing those songs? They're really depressing.
I do. They're full of rich history.
Damn it, I'm late. I was supposed to go meet my lady.
I thought you said you guys split up.
Let's just keep our thing about work, okay?
All right. Goodbye, buddy.
Hey, get off me, man.
What the hell are you doing?
I'm dancing, Terry. What the hell are you doing here?
I love you, Francine.
If you were with me, you wouldn't be here in this strip club,
shaking it for dollar bills!
This is a ballet studio, Terry. Okay? These poles are horizontal.
He loves you very much, Francine.
- Who is this guy? - What are you doing here, Allen?
It's the code. I'm your partner.
I'm here to support a friend and a work colleague.
Francine, is this guy bothering you?
Who's this, your new boyfriend? Great. You got a new boyfriend.
He is my dance partner, Terry. Okay?
I know that this is a big surprise,
but there are other things in the world besides being a cop. Okay?
Now, if you will excuse me, I'm gonna dance.
What, you don't think I can do this shit?
That was surprisingly good, Terry.
- I love you, Francine. - You don't know what love is.
He loves you very much, Francine!
I heard it when he said it. Thank you.
You know what you're doing to me? You're killing me inside.
And don't eyeball me, man!
You're running around with this crack-dealing drug addict?
Terry!
He does not approve of your behavior!
Can you please go?
And you, too, creepy guy standing in the door?
Let's go, Allen.
I think we all experienced our own ballet today.
The ballet of emotion and feelings.
You're kind of making things worse.
- You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
Hey, I didn't know you could dance.
We used to do those dance moves to make fun of guys when we were kids,
show them how queer they were, okay?
- You learned to dance like that sarcastically? - Yeah, I guess.
Stay out of my personal life, okay? The kid flies private.
Stay focused on the case, man. I'll see you in Jersey tomorrow.
All right, Terry.
Hey, that was liberating for me. I don't know how it felt for you.
Here, check this out. Article from six months ago.
Talking about how the lottery is looking
to invest their $30-billion fund more aggressively.
So he's dealing drugs?
No, it's not drugs. This isn't Miami Vice.
Look, I'm sorry. I just...
I am in a bit of a state today. Sheila and I got into it last night.
What happened?
She was interested in taking this class at The Learning Annex, right?
Called "The Art of Oral Sex"?
You know, we just don't have it in the budget right now.
It's always about her.
Yeah, that's... That's messed up.
Hey, I got you a gift.
I just saw something, and I thought of you,
and so, I don't want it to be weird.
I just wanted to be nice.
Of course it's weird.
It's a grown man giving another man a present.
There you go. Open it up.
It's okay, you're welcome.
I like to do things like that.
Take a look what it says.
You know, because we're both in law enforcement.
We both like women.
But I got a weird sense of humor. I'm a sick puppy.
I can't look at it. It makes me laugh so hard.
Me, too.
Real nice. You know, it's all class.
- Okay. - Don't do that shit any more.
Yeah, believe me, I won't.
Do you understand what's so funny about it, though?
'Cause it's the FBI, right? It has the same logo, the same shield.
And at first glance, you're like, it's just a mug that says "FBI".
But then at second glance, you're like, "Female Body Inspector"?
Get out of town. This is outrageous...
Shut up!
I'm gonna climb over that anger wall of yours
one of these days,
and it's gonna be glorious.
Shouldn't we tell Mauch that we're going to check this place out?
For what? We're just going to check it out.
I know, but it's procedure.
Terry answers to no one.
I do what I do.
What accounting firm is closed at 11:00 a.m. on a Tuesday?
This is a shithole.
I love bombs.
I can't hear! I can't hear!
There's blood blisters on my hands!
Oh, my God!
How do they walk away in movies without flinching
when it explodes behind them?
There's no way! I call bullshit on that!
When they flew the Millennium Falcon outside of the Death Star,
and it was followed by the explosion, that was bullshit!
Don't you dare badmouth Star Wars! That was all accurate!
I need an MRI.
I need an MRI! I've got soft tissue damage.
There's no way I don't have soft tissue damage.
Please stop.
I just wanna go somewhere and breastfeed right now!
Fire Department said it was a gas leak, but no way. That was timed.
They didn't wanna kill us, but they wanted to scare us.
Yeah, well, they succeeded, okay?
I'm tired of this. All right?
I'm tired of explosions and people pointing guns at me.
I wanna go back to my desk.
Guess what? Life gets loud sometimes and messes with your ears.
You can't escape it by hiding at your desk for your whole life.
You know what? Yes, you can. I've done it for years, okay?
There's no explosions at my desk.
There's no explosions at my home with my plain wife, in my plain house.
What are you afraid of, man?
I'm your partner. You can tell me. What the hell are you hiding from?
I was a sophomore in college.
The university I went to decided they needed to raise tuition.
A classmate of mine, Brenda,
in an effort to raise money and stay in school,
came up with a nifty plan
where she thought she'd date guys and charge them money.
I go on dates all the time,
with a whole bunch of, you know, boys and stuff.
And I kind of need somebody to help me out,
like, you know, my partner in crime.
Yeah, I could make a schedule.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I was thinking.
- Provide transportation services. - Yeah, yeah.
- It's gonna be a good time. - Thanks so much for asking me.
She said she needed my help to make sure that the dates went okay
and that the guys paid her. She said she'd give me a percentage.
- Oh, my God. You were a pimp. - What? God, no.
No, I was just trying to help a friend.
We started making a lot of money.
And wouldn't you know it, some of Brenda's girlfriends
decided they wanted to be a part of it.
Pretty soon, there were about 14 ladies that I was protecting
while they gave me money.
That's called a stable of whores.
We decided I shouldn't use my real name.
So we came up with the name "Gator".
I'm telling you, you were a pimp.
No! Are you even listening to the story?
Anyway, one day, I wake up and I look in the mirror,
and I don't like what I see.
I mean, I had gotten out of control, and I didn't even realize it.
You can't have a conscience in the pimp game.
One night, two of my favorite girls,
Candy and Jolene, said, "We gotta take you in",
and they dropped me off at the emergency room.
That's where I met Sheila. I was a mess.
I made a promise to myself and to her
that I would never get out of control again.
So, as soon as I graduated from college,
I became an accountant for the police department.
The most stable job I could think of.
An accountant for law and order.
I just don't wanna ever feel out of control like that ever again.
Don't worry. I got your back.
Now I say we go get in Ershon's grill and see if he cracks.
- I'm tired of all this tippy-toeing around. - Okay.
You can either walk the plank or take your panties off.
The choice is yours.
- I want to take my panties off. - You've made a wise choice, you have.
Mr. Ershon, Detective Gamble and the officer
who shot Derek Jeter are here.
Gentlemen, please.
- Remember us, hotshot? - Of course I do. Please, sit.
There she blows.
Two of those Russian waters, please. No lime wedges, just cucumber.
Guess where we just came from? An explosion at your accounting office.
Yes, that awful gas leak.
Gas leak? The only gas leak is the one coming out of your mouth right now.
I just thank God no one was hurt or injured in a bad way.
I absolutely abhor death.
Hey, Andrew Lloyd Webber. The jig is up, okay?
We know that wasn't your security team that grabbed you.
And we know you're targeting a big fish to cover losses.
You talk or I beat you so it don't show no bruises.
God, this water is good. Terry, have you tried the water?